The theme had been Changes. Changes had happened all over the place; everyone had changed and so had situations. Experiences had changed memories, and also feelings. Yet, ironically it had remained the same. We had never changed, and even now, despite my best efforts, it was totally unobtainable. We had never learnt to change, adapt or breathe. In my heart and in my mind, I knew that it would never change, we would never change. Maybe I knew we couldn’t ever be friends, but maybe I just didn’t want to admit that to anyone, I didn’t want to let go and loose it all. Change was just something we couldn’t master. I felt it was because of him, but what does my opinion count for? It was meant to be counted for 50% of the relationship, yet it seemed to be the only percentage we could muster. The other 50% seemed missing to me; just nonexistent. I had tried to explain, but he didn’t understand. I wasn’t always sure I understood either. I swayed between it being too simple and me dressing it up as complex, and it being too complex and me dressing it as simple. I had no idea. Saying that, to him, it always looked like I had too many ideas. The problem lay somewhere in between him not understanding me, and me being clueless about the way his mind worked. He claimed his mind worked overtime, thinking on our issues, yet to me it didn’t seem that way. It seemed the exact opposite; minimal input, minimal communication and minimal decisions or direction. Whilst, on the other side of the coin, it seemed to him that I had too much direction, too much input. In my head, I though about what constitutes a relationship of any kind. In everything, 100% is the total. It is the whole amount of anything; everything has 100% in it somewhere. In relationships, there is 100%. An equal relationship is made up of each person giving half; 50% each. I felt like I had to give both my 50% and his 50%; that would make it whole. I nagged and I shouted, I cried, and I longed; trying to get his 50% from him, searching for his input. I felt like id been doing that for ages; because of our messy past. Sometimes, I would be annoyed at me having to put in extra effort in order to survive any little problems we had. To him, it seemed like I was working overtime; and was just hassling him. In truth, all I was trying to do was encourage him to be more involved; more like an equal. The more I pushed, the less he gave, and eventually I felt forced to be harsh to him, in words and actions, because that was like my final solution. It was all I had left to try and do; I figured id tried everything else; being patient, sticking out the hard times, trying again and again, apologising to those around me; saying that he was “different” this time round. I always hoped he’d pull through and start meeting me half way. The crazy thing is, he seems oblivious to this. Seems to be totally unaware of it, like it hasn’t been going on. But to me it was obvious, and it had been a gradual descent into the current situation. Now, when I sit and think about whether friends (or anything) would work between us, I feel angry. And he still doesn’t understand; we still haven’t reached the point of knowing where we’re going wrong, let alone deciding what to do about it and how to solve it.
“I’m not gonna fucking just fucking leave it all now. Youre gonna let our thing simply crash and fall down? Youre well out of order, this is way out of town.” At times, id refused to let it go, id clung on to the point of humiliation, and so had he at other times when id fucked up. But now, input was all I wanted. Just an understanding and a healthy, happy balance. He said he wanted me to be happy; and he sounds like he feels worthless. That wasn’t what I wanted to achieve; I was just trying to get you in gear. Looking to give you motivation to find passion; find direction and see sense. It was the only thing I had left to try; I didn’t want to be mean; I didn’t know what else to do and I only did it out of anger. I still don’t know what else I should (or could) have done to help us get our act together; maybe I should have apologised more. I can’t go back, and I can’t move forward, so the best I can do is say sorry now.